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November 14th, 2012


10:26 am - Constant as a northern star. Constantly in the darkness. Where's that at?
And so it ends.

Twelve years. Endless tears.  So many lonely nights.  And this is the stuff I have to remember.  These are the things I didn't document here.  I was so obsessed for so long with scribbling down the good bits. The stuff that made the breath catch in my throat. The words, the looks, the touches that made my heart stop for just the briefest of brief seconds. I needed those words to fall back on later, when he was so very absent. When I found myself alone and lonely yet again.  When the doubt gnawed at the back of my mind. When my heart was breaking, I needed to be able to go back and read the things that kept me coming back.

My feelings are conflicted about all those years I spent hopelessly in love with a ghost.  Where they wasted? I prefer to think not.  I prefer to think they served a purpose.

I was twenty when I met him. The truth is, I've outgrown him.  I no longer find it romantic to hold on to a love so hopeless. Now it's the little things I crave.  The every day things. The comfort. The sitting on the couch and just being with someone else kind of stuff.

Twelve years built around passion. Built around late night kisses. Distance. Arm's length. Holding on to long ago spoken words so tightly that now they're a bit frayed around the edges.  I wonder if I'd remember them so clearly if I hadn't written them here.

A clean break, I think. I don't miss him. I don't wish him ill, nor do I wish him joy. The cold truth is that I don't much care what happens to him from now on.  A colder truth is that he hasn't really cared about what happened to me for years.  "A tacit interest" indeed.

I could go back and think of all the ways he's done me wrong. But really, what's the point? What's the point in looking back? I would feel a need to justify his behavior as a way of condoning my own. What I really want to do is take ever more steps forward until this is well behind me.  Until he really and truly is a ghost.  A ghost of my twenties past.

The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. I no longer need to soar on the wings of tightly held memories. I want to build new ones. Ones that mean something. I want to just be myself and have someone love me for it.

I know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart, it was so real



So goodbye, Frank. Goodbye, hopeleslove.

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January 26th, 2012


11:48 am

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February 6th, 2011


02:53 pm - Adoption Journal- Part 1
From everything I've read, starting an adoption journal is something I should be doing.  I resisted the idea at first; I mean, journaling is so 2008.  But the more I thought about, the more it started to sound like a good idea. So here I go...

So far, I've only taken a few preliminary steps towards adopting a child. Really, all I've done is attend an orientation class at the adoption agency I've chosen. But my mind is made up. This is what I'm doing. As a single woman, I am going to adopt a child. 

I've decided to adopt a little girl between the ages of 4-6. I thought for all of ten seconds about adopting an infant, but as a single working parent, it makes no sense to adopt an infant. Also, everyone and their mama wants a little white baby, and I have no interest in waiting for years to get my child. I"m impatient like that.

I'll be adopting a child from the foster care system. In California, the dependency courts do something called "concurrent planning."  This means that I will go through the entire adoption homestudy, have a child placed with me, but that child may still be trying to reunify with their birth parent(s). They do this so that the child goes through less placement disruption.  So there's a chance that even after this child is placed in my home, they may still be returned to their birth parent. However, due to the age of the child I'm looking to adopt, the risk of that child being returned is less than it would be with a younger child. So that's something.  Still, it's an odd thing they ask prospective adoptive parents to do: take this child into your home and love it as your own; just remember, she can be taken away at any time. Weird, right?

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December 25th, 2009


09:48 am
OK, so I didn't read as many books as last year. I had a lot of false starts and started a bunch of books I didn't finish. C'est la vie. Without any further ado...THE LIST

1. Ha'pennty-Jo Walton ****
2. Rumors: A Luxe Novel- Anna Godbersen ***
3. Ten Cents a Dance- Christine Fletcher ***
4. Bliss-Lauren Myracle **
5. Half a Crown-Jo Walton ****
6. In the Woods- Tana French ****
7. Frank Sinatra & The Lost Art of Living- Bill Zehme****
8. Dooley Takes the Fall-Norah McClintock ****
9. Emily of New Moon-L.M. Montgomery ***
10. Emily Climbs-L.M. Montgomery ***
11. Emily's Quest- L.M. Montgomery ***
12. The Likeness- Tana French ****
13. Songs for the Missing- Stewart O'Nan ***
14. What I saw and How I Lied-Judy Blundell**
15. You Are So Undead to Me- Stacy Jay ****
16. The 19th Wife- David Ebersoff**
17. The Book Thief-Markus Zuzack ****
18. The Hunger Games-Suzanne Collins **** (One of my FAVORITES)
19. The Reader- Bernhard Schlink **
20. Death Was the Other Woman- Linda L. Richards **
21. The Illustrated Jane Eyre- Charlotte Bronte **** (Such a beautiful edition)
22. Pride & Prejudice- Jane Austen ***
23. Unwind- Neal Shusterman **
24. Wishful Drinking- Carrie Fisher **
25. The Song is You- Arthur Phillips (the WORST book I've read all year.)
26. Envy: A Luxe Novel- Anna Godbersen **
27. The Dust of 100 Dogs- A.S. King ***
28. Bloodsucking Fiends-Christopher Moore **
29. You Suck: A Love Story- Christopher Moore**
30. Casino Royale- Ian Fleming **
31. Dead & Gone-Charlaine Harris **
32. A Curse as Dark as Gold- Elizabeth C. Bunce ***
33. American Gods- Neil Gaiman**** (re-read)
34. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian-Sherman Alexie **** (Another favorite)
35. If I Stay- Gayle Foreman ****
36. Dust-Arthur Slade ***
37. Flight- Sherman Alexie **** (LOVE)
38. Diary of a Chav-Grace Dent **** (LOVE!)
39. Anne of Green Gables- L.M. Montgomery **** (re-read)
40. Anne of Avonlea-L.M. Montgomery ***(re-read)
41. King Dork- Frank Portman **** (re-read)
42. Cicero- Anthony Everitt ***
43. The Forgotten Man- Amity Shales ***
44. Bad Girls Don't Die- Kate Alender ***
45. The Last Olympian- Rick Riordan ****
46. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close- Jonathan Safran Foer **** (LOVE)
47. Mythology-Edith Hamilton ***
48. Graceling-Kristin Cashore **** (re-read)
49. Catching Fire-Suzanne Collins ****
50. Meat is Murder- Pernice ***
51. Lady Sings the Blues- Billie Holiday ****
52. Audrey, Wait!-Robin Benway **** (Love!)
53. Fire-Kristin Cashore ***
54. The Butler Did It- P.G. Wodehouse ***
55. The Magician's Nephew- C.S. Lewis ***
56. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe-C.S. Lewis ***
57. Frankly, My Dear: GWTW Revisited- Molly Haskell ***
58. I am the New Black- Tracy Morgan ****
59. The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate- Jaqueline Kelly **
60. The Silver Blade- Sally Gardner ***
61. The Hate List- Jennifer Brown **** (LOVE)
62. Soulles-Gail Carriger **** (LOVE)
63. Love is the Higher Law-David Levithian ****
64. A Streetcar Named Desire-Tennessee Williams (re-read)****
65. The Gates-John Connolly ***

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09:47 am - The Great List of 2009
OK, so I didn't read as many books as last year. I had a lot of false starts and started a bunch of books I didn't finish. C'est la vie. Without any further ado...THE LIST

1. Ha'pennty-Jo Walton ****
2. Rumors: A Luxe Novel- Anna Godbersen ***
3. Ten Cents a Dance- Christine Fletcher ***
4. Bliss-Lauren Myracle **
5. Half a Crown-Jo Walton ****
6. In the Woods- Tana French ****
7. Frank Sinatra & The Lost Art of Living- Bill Zehme****
8. Dooley Takes the Fall-Norah McClintock ****
9. Emily of New Moon-L.M. Montgomery ***
10. Emily Climbs-L.M. Montgomery ***
11. Emily's Quest- L.M. Montgomery ***
12. The Likeness- Tana French ****
13. Songs for the Missing- Stewart O'Nan ***
14. What I saw and How I Lied-Judy Blundell**
15. You Are So Undead to Me- Stacy Jay ****
16. The 19th Wife- David Ebersoff**
17. The Book Thief-Markus Zuzack ****
18. The Hunger Games-Suzanne Collins **** (One of my FAVORITES)
19. The Reader- Bernhard Schlink **
20. Death Was the Other Woman- Linda L. Richards **
21. The Illustrated Jane Eyre- Charlotte Bronte **** (Such a beautiful edition)
22. Pride & Prejudice- Jane Austen ***
23. Unwind- Neal Shusterman **
24. Wishful Drinking- Carrie Fisher **
25. The Song is You- Arthur Phillips (the WORST book I've read all year.)
26. Envy: A Luxe Novel- Anna Godbersen **
27. The Dust of 100 Dogs- A.S. King ***
28. Bloodsucking Fiends-Christopher Moore **
29. You Suck: A Love Story- Christopher Moore**
30. Casino Royale- Ian Fleming **
31. Dead & Gone-Charlaine Harris **
32. A Curse as Dark as Gold- Elizabeth C. Bunce ***
33. American Gods- Neil Gaiman**** (re-read)
34. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian-Sherman Alexie **** (Another favorite)
35. If I Stay- Gayle Foreman ****
36. Dust-Arthur Slade ***
37. Flight- Sherman Alexie **** (LOVE)
38. Diary of a Chav-Grace Dent **** (LOVE!)
39. Anne of Green Gables- L.M. Montgomery **** (re-read)
40. Anne of Avonlea-L.M. Montgomery ***(re-read)
41. King Dork- Frank Portman **** (re-read)
42. Cicero- Anthony Everitt ***
43. The Forgotten Man- Amity Shales ***
44. Bad Girls Don't Die- Kate Alender ***
45. The Last Olympian- Rick Riordan ****
46. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close- Jonathan Safran Foer **** (LOVE)
47. Mythology-Edith Hamilton ***
48. Graceling-Kristin Cashore **** (re-read)
49. Catching Fire-Suzanne Collins ****
50. Meat is Murder- Pernice ***
51. Lady Sings the Blues- Billie Holiday ****
52. Audrey, Wait!-Robin Benway **** (Love!)
53. Fire-Kristin Cashore ***
54. The Butler Did It- P.G. Wodehouse ***
55. The Magician's Nephew- C.S. Lewis ***
56. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe-C.S. Lewis ***
57. Frankly, My Dear: GWTW Revisited- Molly Haskell ***
58. I am the New Black- Tracy Morgan ****
59. The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate- Jaqueline Kelly **
60. The Silver Blade- Sally Gardner ***
61. The Hate List- Jennifer Brown **** (LOVE)
62. Soulles-Gail Carriger **** (LOVE)
63. Love is the Higher Law-David Levithian ****
64. A Streetcar Named Desire-Tennessee Williams (re-read)****
65. The Gates-John Connolly ***

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December 11th, 2009


03:48 pm
This year, I've done something I never thought I would do. It was weird at first, but, to my total and complete shock, I realized I kind of...enjoyed it.

That's right folks. 2009 is the year I learned to cook.

Not only do I enjoy it, but it turns out I'm actually kind of good at it. There have been misses, sure, but far more hits. I never realized how cooking can be such a creative outlet. Though, as a relative n00b I still follow recipes closely, it still fills that hollow little place in my soul that painting and making art used to fill. Slowly, I'm getting better at it, and have this great instinct of what would taste great with what.

It pleases me to no end to have my family eat and enjoy the food I've made. The other day my sister ranked a new dish I'd made amongst her top 5 ever. Yeah, that made me grin like a fool.

I'm totally lucky that my dad works for a produce company, ensuring me access to fresh, wonderful fruits and vegetables. We also have a nice little herb garden in the backyard, along with an orange and a meyer lemon tree (the first fruit of which are sitting on my counter waiting for me to find something special enough to make with them. God love a meyer lemon.) There is an unexplainable joy in being able to walk out the backdoor and come back into the kitchen, fresh herbs in my hand. It's sparked plenty of fantasies of living in a nice little house on a few dozen acres where I grow my own produce, join a co-op, and cook for a large brood. Then I laugh at myself and remember that being in the middle of nowhere freaks me the hell out and that I hate hippies. I'll settle for a nice garden in the 'burbs.

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November 28th, 2009


11:54 am
Since the end of the year is so very close, I find myself thinking back to the books I've read this year, and trying to develop a rough list of what I want to read next year. I've also been looking through some "Best of 2009" lists, and for some reason, I'm filled with regret and shame. I haven't read any of those books! What have I been wasting my time on? Why is there never enough time to read everything that catches my interests??

But then I take a deep breath and tell myself to relax. I'll never be able to read each and every book. And really, all this means is that there will always be something out there for me to read. I'll never be book-less again!

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November 13th, 2009


12:37 pm
"There are two things that will get you through life, and those things are simple and Human. They're laughter and learning. If they're part of your life, you will always have a reason to keep living."-Tracy Morgan I Am the New Black

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October 27th, 2009


08:59 pm
Throughout the ages, people have debated over what the three most beautiful words in the English language are. Well my darlings, the results are in. It's not "I love you." It's not even, as I previously thought "You were right." Turns out that the prettiest, most wonderful words ever spoken are:


IT'S NOT CANCER.

Take note, future poets.


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October 24th, 2009


01:24 pm
To say that things have not been easy lately would, quite possibly, be the understatement of the year. To say that they've been down right shitty would be closer to the truth.

I lost my job two days after my 30th birthday. I had barely been making it on the crap salary, and the financial blow has been staggering. I've sent out resume after resume, and only ever get rejection letters in return. I wish this was the worst thing that had happened.

My Grandma Mary was recently told that it's very likely she has ovarian cancer. She has surgery Tuesday to remove a large mass and at that time, they'll biopsy it and we'll know for sure if it's cancer or not. She's only 67 years old. We're all devastated and trying hard to keep it together until we know more. We can ill afford to fall apart, if only for Grandma's sake. If it's cancer, there's a long hard road ahead of us.

Just under the sadness, there's a rage I struggle to keep contained. There are a litany of curses I long to place on the heads of all the doctors who misdiagnosed my grandma. There is a desire to go to one of those idiotic "tea parties" and smash in the face of the first person I see wielding a sign of Obama with Hitler's moustache. This whole mess has reawakened my sleeping feminist rage. Let me explain.

Grandma has had stomach and digestive issues for several years now.  She's gone to numerous doctors, complaining of painful bloating, persistent indegestion, lower back pain, frequent urination, loss of apetite. She was bloating so much that, despite losing weight, her pants were too tight. Doctor after doctor diagnosed her with IBS and prescribed pill after pill. She would return, telling her doctor that the pills weren't working. So they'd shrug and write her another script.

The most cursory search of "ovarian cancer" reveals all the symptoms described above. She's in the highest risk group for this disease yet, not until two weeks ago did even ONE doctor think to do a pelvic exam, ultrasound, or a blood test to check her CA 125 levels (the test that, if levels are elevated, can indicate certain cancers.)

It's all got me thinkning about how quickly doctors dismiss women as hysterical and intolerant of pain. As if we don't know our bodies. As if we don't endure the agonies of child birth. As if we are weak and not to be listened to or taken seriously.

When I was 19, I experienced the worst pain I hope to ever feel. It was as though someone was punching me over and over in the kidneys while some other sadist ground a stilleto heel into my gut. As soon as the pain subsided enough that I could see straight, I rushed to the doctor. She did a pap exam and told me that, due to some elevated white blood cells, I most likely had an STD. I was stunned. I'd only had sex with one person, and I'd been protected. I called him (though we had broken up) and encouraged him to be tested. Of course, we both came back negative. I asked "so if it's not an STD, what is it?" She shrugged, completely unconcerned. "We don't know."

I let it go, hoping it was a one time thing. What followed was two years of enduring this pain, though it was intermittent. I would call the doctor every time, and they would prescribe me pain pills over the phone. I ended up at the ER, my mom and dad pushing me in a wheelchair because I couldn't walk. I couldn't even hold down water. I vividly rememeber throwing up in the hallway of the hospital, and a doctor walking past without so much as a sideways glance.

We spent 8 hours there that day, being bounced from station to station. They treated me as if I were a drug seeker, or a whiner, a complainer, a total baby. Finally, my normally soft spoken mother lost her cool and yelled and screamed until someone took notice. By the time someone looked at me, I was so dehydrated they had to insert an IV. They gave me enough demerol to ease the pain. One angel of mercy asked my mom "has she ever had an ultra sound?" When mom answered no, the doctor ordered one immediately. Turns out, I had a huge tumor (5 pounds, 15 cm) on my left ovary. There was no way they could remove the tumor and save the ovary, so out that came as well. All this took two years.

In 1970, my grandma had to have an emergency hysterectomy as her uterus was pretty destroyed after the doctors botched the birth of her last son. After the surgery, she was put on hormone replacement therapy. When the doctors told us they suspected ovarian cancer, we were shocked; grandma thought they had removed her ovarries all those years ago. It made sense. After all, it's the ovaries that produce the hormones. If she still had those, why would they put her on drugs?

How sad is it that the doctors never even told her what it is that they removed? She trusted them, as we are taught to trust doctors. They're the experts. I don't believe she's had a pelvic exam since 1970. Why?

Why are women so disposable? Why do doctors treat us as if we're idiots? When a loved one is in danger, women turn fierce and demanding, as my mom did in the ER when I was in pain. Yet, when it is our own health in danger, we remain silent and unquestioning.

We need to speak up. We need to demand that doctors take us seriously. We need to be our own advocates.

Please, educate yourself on the health issues that effect you, your mother, your sisters, your aunts. Go into your doctors office well informed and well armed, ready to fight for your own life. Please, don't remain silent.

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